scrapheap blogs

I want to vent, but I don’t want to vent too much about stuff, because I would just be repeating myself here, considering in my last post, I don’t like to think about my past very much, or go too into it very much. I’ve had to think about my past a lot because since I’ve had to think about it more objectively and honestly. When I was a kid, everything was more easier going because: there was a time to where, my mom reluctantly listened to my dad on what the right things were to do in life, and then she just went down the rails later on in the relationship, their marriage didn’t even last a decade. I later on realized that, a lot of the shit that they went through was all because of her objectively, and my dad wasn’t the one doing anything wrong, if anything, my mom was the one making bad decisions on her part that I recall, and the more bad decisions she had made, the more it made me think that, I should stay away from her, this is my blood mom we’re referring to, and in the end of the day, she only has herself to blame here; she may not even remember everything, as well as my brother may not remember everything, but when something sticks with you, and they don’t seem to give a shit, then that’s when you have to react accordingly. I haven’t talked to my mother or made any sort of action to want to talk to her in about 8 years, and I’d rather keep it that way at this point. This isn’t really about her, but she is a driving factor on as to why I’ve seen a more duality going on in both my fathers and her relationship.

An example of this being that: she reacts so much with my father with emotional hostility, and my father would react back with snark-i-ness, and in the end of the day, they could never really meet eye-to-eye on certain situations. Three big examples I can think of is: One time, they were having this BIG fucking argument, which this stood out to me the most in this case, to where my mom would beg to my dad for like… weeks, months, to get me and my brother TV and internet for a couple of months, after he like was out of the Army, and retired out of it, and my father was making barely enough to even take care of himself, and he was being bullied by my mother to pay that stuff for us, and he put up a decent fight against us. I will admit that, I was brainwashed by her, and that I didn’t know better as a kid, nor could I ever do anything against her, since I had no power over her at the time, now I know I do, but the argument got so bad that: My father ultimately never paid for Time Warner Cable or the Internet for any of us. They’re no longer around, because they got acquired by Spectrum in 2016, but when it came down to it, my mom was telling him that he had to pay like… $900+ a month, because the reasoning being it was that: She had an account, a co-account with my big brother that they were paying for a while at some point, and then they dropped it, and years later, they ended up trying to come back, and when my father heard it was somewhere around that realm his reaction was “¿Crees que tengo tanto dinero como para pagar 900 dólares al mes por internet y televisión para mis hijos? (Do you think I have that kind of fucking money to pay $900 a month for internet, and TV for my kids?)”, and at this time, he was barely making enough to even get by in life, he couldn’t even get an apartment, or his own bed, or internet or whatever, for many years, and this was like… 2013, he was only able to get all of that years later. I’m on my fathers side at this point because: $900 a month would ultimately destroy his amount he makes every single month on his pension, and the expectation of him just paying that would fuck him up, especially since paying anywhere around the realm of $50 - $150 a month for internet is good, people would even argue that you shouldn’t even be paying over a $100 a month unless you’re doing like streaming and shit, which makes sense.

Well, my mom wisened up at the time, knew she was only going to get the money in a couple of months because, that’s what they agreed too at that point, that she would have to get a job to pay for that amount per month, and then he’ll put the monthly payment down for that stuff for like around a 6 month head start, which… I think that’s fair, like 6 months just to do that, and for my big brother and mom to get that is fair. They were trying to argue to make it be forever because “ITS YOUR KIDS, YOU SHOULD DO IT FOREVER!”, is unrealistic, looking back at it. A second example was when my mom is entirely too controlling; in short, my dad does an action, and he used to do it A LOT when he was younger to where, he would move his hands and make like a constant “snake-like” sound as he stares into his hands, and he would only do this when he was stressed out, he doesn’t do it as much anymore that I’ve seen, but my mom one time would go up to him and grab his hands and tell him to stop doing that, and tell him to breath, when… that’s just how you deal with stress, not everyone deals with stress the same way, but my mom… being the controlling one, thinks that everyone should deal with stress the same way by “breathing”, when… that doesn’t always work for some people, and she had this issue of having to control my dad, me, and even my brother when we were stressed out and reacted to stress, when she wanted us to do it how it’s expected of us to do it, which I would argue is… not what a mother would do, because that’s ignoring the fact that every human deals with it differently, and not accepting that, makes you a hypocrite, since you wouldn’t be dealing with stress the same way by just, breathing in and out. She used to tell me that she would stop him from doing that, but it’s like… again, people deal with stress in several different ways, to stop someones stressor, or how they deal with stress comes across as extremely controlling, and even being on the side of an aggressor like that… I can’t imagine being on the side of someone that’s like that. The only other time I could think about anything in regards to my blood mother is when she would forcefully put me into a position to where I would have to study for college, because she didn’t want me to enlist into the military, specifically the Navy at 18, but I’ve talked about that before. I vent a lot about my mother, and brother, since, my mother is 100% the controlling-aggressor type, while my big brother enables it because “she gave you life”, which I had to look into, gives into several moral fallacies such as:

8 years going forward, and me noticing this, I said to myself “This will not work, if within 3 years of me getting my degree, I cannot get the job I studied for.” I told this to her face, and she just didn’t care. I do mention a lot of my mother in the past, and what she’s done to me and my brother, so much so that it’s a reoccurring topic, but it’s one of those things to where I harbor on it because, 8 years going forward, I was told that “I would succeed in life” and if I had stayed, I would have never gotten the chance to, ever, especially since at that time in high school, I was never really all that interested in driving, and I even said to myself “That’s future me’s problem to figure out.”, and lore-and-behold: I got my license a year after graduating college, at 23. I don’t have much to really say about this part other than: for those years that I was with her, all those fallacies made up for why she was controlling, and even a lot of the stories made up why she was controlling, and while my brother still defends her to this day, I 100% will never defend her because of the shit she made us went through as a kid, which I look back at and go: “Okay, my moms a manipulator, my brother white-knights for her, her husband is basically fucked, and also white-knights for her, his kids are essentially white-knights, not to the fullest extent, but practically are, and I haven’t seen them in years, so there’s no need to add them in as family members, since they aren’t.”, so in the end of the day, I just don’t look back at that family with any form of fondness, or respect. My viewpoint, of which everyone should have is that: you should show that you give yourself the bare minimum of respect, before anything, and then I can give you the same level of modicum of respect, but if you can’t even do that, then I can’t hold any respect for you, it’s really just common sense. If you go into drugs, sling your pussy/dick around, and get yourself in trouble, then I realistically cannot hold any form of respect to you.

I could go all day talking about my family, and in the end of the day, I’m more grateful for the fact that I’m not in that situation anymore, and that I’m in a better situation than I’m in right now, so in the end of the day, all I gotta say is this: I’m aware in last months blog I was getting very heated, but this time around, I want to put more logic behind it and say, I don’t have respect for that family, and I’m aware that what I did was unprofessional and vulgar related, but to understand why I did all of that, it was to show how much of an absolute distain I have for that side of the family, and how much I have for another side somewhat, but no family is perfect, and in the end of the day, the only thing you can think about and plan for is your future. I’m not going to make this whole blog into about the past of what my mother had done to us in the past, because I would be going down a whole rabbit hole about it for… years at this point, and I’m more or less over it at this point, especially since there’s no point in trying to sulk over the past, when you can look towards the future in the end. In this blog, I want to reminisce over the times where I have graduated and mention about how graduation for me at that point was more of a means to advance, and not as a means for me to be proud of myself, as time went on that is. I’ll list it as shown here:

I was proud of myself when I graduated Kindergarten, Elementary, and… I wanna say middle school and high school, but I wasn’t proud when I graduated College. The main reason as to why was due to a myriad of factors, but what I had noticed was that, the major factor was in the fact that: I valued education a lot in the time that I was in Kindergarten, til about around high school and I was aware that, by the time I was in high school, people were socially ostracizing me more, if not just as much as I when I was going through it in Kindergarten, not so much elementary, very much in Middle School, and by the time I was in college, I was barely around ANYONE in college, since it was all online. Work doesn’t count.

It’s so hard to like, think about how things were going on in my life with the fact that, I was not able to really socialize with people because of how things were going on in my life, and people seeing me as “lesser than human” because of how weird I was growing up, which has lead me to a path to where: a lot of what I saw that was going on in society was not… really going down very well. Like a good example was, back when I was in elementary school, Lincoln Elementary to be specific, the school allowed you to go out and have food out in fast food restaurants, and then they removed the program because there were fears from the principal that kids were not going to school, and out of fear that kids were getting kidnapped potentially, they had to end the program, which this was… 2008-2010, I think there was a time, or three times where that was the case, so they had to end it. This was like about 16-15 years ago now, and I look back at that school with a level of fondness, similar to how I viewed Allgood Elementary, Belleville High School not by much. I hold more fondness towards Lincoln, and Allgood Elementary the most because there were higher stakes for opportunities that were available, and I do remember when at that time, how teachers would literally expend their own money to help out kids, like in Lincoln, I had a teacher that, literally gave us pizza parties, and had a going away party for me back at that time, and there was even a going away party for me when I was leaving Allgood several years ago before that, and I look back at those classes and go “Man… You don’t get parties like that anymore.”. The only time I could think of where I did have parties was back in high school, where I had socializing events for people that were like me, socialized outcasts that, weren’t the brightest out of their class, but they were added to the parties regardless, which were the extension of people that I knew back in what… senior year of high school, when I played cards, and then those parties would get cut off because the expenditures were being brought and sold by one of my old student counselors at the time.

To be completely honest with you, the reason as to why I can tell you that they don’t do this for kids anymore is because: kids now in days focus too much on trends, and are so… crazy about stuff like that, and that they want to do dumb stuff similar to that, to where they just end up doing like, alcohol or drugs or whatever, and… I never grew up thinking that stuff was cool; the last ever time I had a party-party in school was when in my senior year for Mass Comm 2, when we had our teacher get fired, and we all felt bad, and blew up a surprise party for him. I haven’t seen that guy in years, but I do think about him from time to time, and wish at some point if I could get the time to meet him again and see how his life is going. I’m not the type of person to think that, going out to drink at a bar is cool, or anything like that, I’ve always thought like: Pizza parties are where it’s at, with Soda, and fucking Cake and shit, not taking like beer, and then taking 5 zyns after, like that stuff is stupid and waste of money; and mind you, parties should be done on occasion. Post high school, college was nothing but a blur, and I can’t really think of a time to where anything in college was really all that significant, other than the two times where I had to get my college transcripts because the two colleges I went to had shut down, one after the other, lol. I’ve had it happen to me, time after time, where I had a professor, essentially just… not act professional. I can give you some instances: